so skip if necessary
i left my home church about a yr and a half ago. the catalyst was me finally getting my own car, so i wouldn’t have to rely on other ppl for rides, and i could finally go out and check out churches for myself.
i did, for a while—check out churches. none really fit. the closest one i found was not nearly close enough to what i had in mind. even though i knew there was no perfect church, i still wanted to find something LIKE it. i was tired of settling; that’s what church life had become for me, so i wanted something different for once. i wanted somewhere i could grow and learn and find like-minded ppl, but i haven’t been going out to church for about half a yr now, and i don’t feel anything lesser for it.
ironically enough, i’m learning more about christianity and theology and history and etc. on my own anyway, and if i do miss something, i guess it’s being able to sing worship songs with the rest of the congregation and feeling a moment of peace.
i feel that it’s good i’m not attending church at the moment. i don’t want to give the impression that me not attending church is somehow better than attending regularly in any objective measurable sense; i’m just at a different stage of my life. i’m going through different things, and this is where i need to be.
church life is really toxic. sure, i learned a lot of things there—it’s another social site. was it worth it? i shouldn’t ask that question since i can’t change anything by this point, and again, you can’t neatly divide such things into “good”/”bad”. it’s absurd
if anything, i think this time—of not being a part of a church—needs to be used to process all the time i WAS part of a church. even though i don’t talk about religion or christianity or church life with most, whenever i find the chance to do so with fellow religious (ex or not) ppl esp christians, it’s like i can’t stop airing out all this shit that’s been festering inside of me. i don’t have all the words or tools to articulate everything yet, but it’s begun
it’s been a long time coming, that’s for sure